Thursday, December 5, 2013

Just Give Me Jesus

     The holiday season is in full swing. There are lights twinkling, cookies baking, carolers singing and presents being bought. This is my favorite holiday, my favorite time of the year. (Unless it's fall, then that's my favorite season until Christmas rolls around.) I love the sights, the smells and the joy. But I keep finding myself struggling a little this year. We are having such a great time because Brody is really starting to get it this year. We are having all kinds of fun with our advent calendar, our elf named Nemo, and our daily family devotions, but yet still I keep feeling this subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, pull of sadness on my heart.
     My mom loved Christmas. It was by far, hands down her favorite holiday. We always went overboard on everything and had a great time doing it. My childhood is full of beautiful memories of Christmas. But the last couple of years things have been different. Alzheimer's has robbed me of the mom I knew, she's gone and in her place is someone that looks like my momma but has changed in every aspect of her personality. This has played a huge toll emotionally on my family. My mom was the  glue for our family, our rock. And things have forever been changed since her illness began.
     I went shopping with my sister today and we were looking at Christmas decorations, nativity scenes, wrapping paper, even candles, and we were kept saying "This looks like Mom," "Oh, this would have been Mom's favorite," "Do you remember the...or when...or how..." and the sadness and longing we felt was tangible. We miss her, we miss our momma.
     But one thing has ran through my head as I begin new traditions and carrying on old for my little family of three. As we pick things to trim our tree, and plan how Santa is going to come and teach our son about the TRUE meaning of Christmas, and that thing is lyrics to a song that speaks right to the core of my heart, to the darkest corners where loneliness, doubt, longing and even jealousy as I look on at other families live. That song is "Give Me Jesus." The lyics say...

"Give me Jesus, Give me Jesus. You can have all this world. But give me Jesus.
In the morning when I rise...When I am alone...When I come to die...Just give me Jesus"

     I have decided to change my focus from loneliness to contentment. From doubt to trust. From longing to remembering. From jealousy to joy. I will not let Alzheimer's rob me of my joy this Christmas, or in this life. Not anymore. Just give me Jesus. Let me celebrate this season thanksgiving. I am so thankful that Christ was there from the beginning of time, and will be with me every step of the way. He's all I need, just give me Jesus.

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